Wednesday, May 4th

I've been bad about blogging lately. So much going on, so many thoughts running through my head, and I haven't taken the time to record them. As of last Thursday Alex is up to 985 grams (2 lbs 2.7 oz) and as of this Tuesday Spencer is at 990 grams (2 lbs 2.9 oz). I finally got to hold Spencer on Friday and Alex on Sunday. It was a little overwhelming with Spencer, taking that tiny baby into my hands. Holding him really put into perspective just how small he really is. I cried, of course, when I held them. They bring me so much joy. I just want to hold on and never let go.

Now I'm sick with another cold, so I can't even go see my boys. I've been trying not to get down about it, and today I learned something from the pharmacist that made me feel a little better. She said that the immunity I'm building up against this virus is being passed to them through my breast milk, so, in a way, I'm actually helping my babies by being sick.

The doctors decided to try extubating Spencer on Saturday. This means that they removed his breathing tube, took him off the ventilator, and put him on CPAP. CPAP doesn't actually breathe for the babies, as a ventilator does; instead it keeps the airways open by blowing oxygen in through the nose. The doctors thought Spencer might be ready to breathe on his own, based on the fact that they had been able to steadily lower the settings on his ventilator. He was off the ventilator for about two hours on Saturday, but he was having to work too hard to breathe on his own, so they had to reintubate him. Fortunately, I had talked to other moms whose babies had gone through the same process; this can happen several times before the baby is permanently off the ventilator. It was still disappointing, but at least I was prepared. The doctors further lowered Spencer's vent settings today, and will probably try to extubate him again tomorrow.

Alex resumed feedings yesterday after a week off due to his PDA ligation. As of this morning he was getting 3 ml every 3 hours and tolerating his feeds just fine. They will increase his feeds by 1 ml every 12 hours. He is still in an open warmer bed. I hope they'll be able to switch him to an isolette soon, where it will be quieter for him. He really gets worked up when it gets noisy in his nursery!

I can tell I'm suffering from a little post-partum depression. I'm irritable sometimes and I cry at the drop of a hat. I've received many beautiful cards, expressions of concern, and reminders that people are praying for and thinking of us (including several "first mother's day" cards!). Almost every time I read these missives I start bawling. Spencer, Alex, and I are very blessed to have the support of so many wonderful, caring people.