Wednesday, April 20th

Spencer has finally opened his eyes! He is up to 7 ml of breast milk every 3 hours and is handling it well, other than a little bit of reflux, which is what seems to be causing the occasional dips in his blood-oxygen saturation level. He has calmed down a lot now that he is on a conventional ventilator and is in an isolette. He even seems to enjoy my touch now. When he's laying on his belly (which seems to be his favorite position) I can lay my hand across his back. It's like a blanket for him and his back is so soft and warm (I love the feeling). He actually seems irritated when I take my hand away, whereas he used to seem irritated if I touched him. He has gained about 5 1/2 oz. over his birth weight, and I definitely can see that he's grown.

Alex continues to do well recovering from his surgery. They began feeding him again early yesterday morning, and he is up to 3 ml every 3 hours. His ostomy bag is full of healthy stool, a great sign, and he's tolerating his feeds well. He is still on the oscillating ventilator (the doctors seem to want to take things slowly with him) but his settings are continually being weaned down. I hope to see him switched over soon so he can be put in an isolette. It's a much better environment for them.

The feelings of uselessness, as though I'm not really taking care of my babies, are frustrating. It helps when the nurses let me change their diapers or take their temperature. I remind myself that by pumping my breath milk seven times a day I am doing something to take care of them. But I'm anxious to hold them, and I really want to take them home so I can be their mommy.