I stood over Xander's and Spencer's crib tonight watching them sleep, marveling again at the miracles the universe has blessed me with. In just a few short days my babies will be one year old. Where in the world did the past year go? Can they really be a year old already? Do the first three and a half months, the days and weeks spent attending to them in the hospital every day, really count? They came home just eight and a half months ago. It doesn't make sense. Part of me feels cheated; if they are really just like 8 1/2 month old babies, how can we be celebrating their first birthday already? I can't really wrap my brain around it, can't really fully understand the way I feel. What I do know is that despite my attempts to enjoy every moment, to make the most of my time with them, as people kept telling me to, I still feel like the time has gone by much too quickly. Did I do everything I was supposed to do? Did I love them enough, give them enough attention, take care of them to the best of my abilities? If I didn't, is it too late to make up for lost time? Oh the agony of being a parent. One is never satisfied that she is as good a parent as she wants to be.
My beautiful baby boys, my Allybear and Spenceroni, I love you so dearly, so completely, a love such as I never knew before I first laid eyes on your tiny, weak little bodies. We have been through so much together and you have come so far. You have beaten all the odds, all the statistics, and I am in awe of how healthy, strong, vibrant, and wonderful you are. I hope with all my soul that I bring you half as much happiness in this lifetime as you've brought me in the past year. You are my heart's joy, my precious miracle boys.