I stood over Xander's and Spencer's crib tonight watching them sleep, marveling again at the miracles the universe has blessed me with. In just a few short days my babies will be one year old. Where in the world did the past year go? Can they really be a year old already? Do the first three and a half months, the days and weeks spent attending to them in the hospital every day, really count? They came home just eight and a half months ago. It doesn't make sense. Part of me feels cheated; if they are really just like 8 1/2 month old babies, how can we be celebrating their first birthday already? I can't really wrap my brain around it, can't really fully understand the way I feel. What I do know is that despite my attempts to enjoy every moment, to make the most of my time with them, as people kept telling me to, I still feel like the time has gone by much too quickly. Did I do everything I was supposed to do? Did I love them enough, give them enough attention, take care of them to the best of my abilities? If I didn't, is it too late to make up for lost time? Oh the agony of being a parent. One is never satisfied that she is as good a parent as she wants to be.

My beautiful baby boys, my Allybear and Spenceroni, I love you so dearly, so completely, a love such as I never knew before I first laid eyes on your tiny, weak little bodies. We have been through so much together and you have come so far. You have beaten all the odds, all the statistics, and I am in awe of how healthy, strong, vibrant, and wonderful you are. I hope with all my soul that I bring you half as much happiness in this lifetime as you've brought me in the past year. You are my heart's joy, my precious miracle boys.

The most special moment yet in my life as a mother happened this morning. Alex said "mama." Yes, that's right. He lay there on the changing table and when I bent down out of his view to get his clothes he said "ma ma ma ma ma." I popped back up and he laughed. We played that game for a few minutes and he kept doing it: "ma ma ma ma ma." He's figured out the sound, now he's got to put it together and realize that "mama" is me.

The boys were weighed the Friday before last and both gained 1 pound 4 ounces in a month. Alex is up to 17.4 and Spencer is at 13.4. Spencer is finally gaining at the same rate as his brother. He still seems like a little peanut, but he is really growing.

Alex started rolling over from his belly to his back that same Friday. He is doing so much better with lifting his head while on his stomach, and is even beginning to bear a little weight on his arms in that position. We've also started working on sitting up.

I've been planning the boys' first birthday party. They will be christened that morning at the same church I was christened at as a child. Then we'll celebrate at my parents' house with family and friends. I realize they won't understand the celebration, but I'm going to spoil them rotten. Lots of balloons and presents and cake from my favorite bakery. It will be a special day for me, and I'll make sure there are lots of pictures taken so that I can share the memories with them when they're older.

Here are some recent photos.

My favorite picture of Spencer and Alex so far

Spencer during floor play

Alex during floor play

Alex trying a bagel

Spencer trying his sippy cup